


It wasnt just a dream.

by Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire



Category: dan and phil
Genre: Acceptance, Alcohol, Angst, Denial, Depression, Desperation, Exhaustion, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Lies, M/M, Many broken promises, Nobody - Freeform, Other, Past Rape/Non-con, Pressured into staying, Rape Recovery, Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, la dispute, not even the rain has such small hands, this is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-09-06 03:12:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8732536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire/pseuds/Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire
Summary: A fic based off of my interpretation of the lyrics from "nobody, not even the rain has such small hands" by la dispute."It wasn't just a dream."Phil does something Dan cannot forgive, and it tears them apart.Its sad. (But I'm not even sorry)





	

**_I think I saw you in my sleep, Darling._ **  
**_I think I saw you in my dreams_ **  
**_You were stitching up the seams on every broken promise that your body couldn't keep._ **  
**_I think I saw you on my sleep..._ **

**Dan's POV**

It's not true. _I refuse to believe its true._

Phil wouldn't do that to me.

_He wouldn't..._

I sobbed into my pillow the rest of the night.

 _It was only a nightmare..._  
*****

"Hey Phil?" I said fearfully.

"Yes, Danny?" He turned to me and closed his laptop gently.

"I think I saw you in my sleep last night." I looked down.

"Was it dirty?" He chuckled sarcastically. "Dan, its completely normal to dream about the people you care-"

"No, Phil. I just want you to tell me we didn't have that conversation last night. Please.. Please tell me it was only a dream."

"Oh." His smile faded.

"So it _was_ real then." I couldn't hold the tears back and I sobbed into my hands.

"Dan, I told you that I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I promised that it didn't mean anything, ok?" He pulled me into his arms.

 _"I promised."_  
*****

**_I thought I heard the door open, oh no._ **  
**_I thought I heard the door open but I only heard it close._ **  
**_I thought I heard a plane, crashing._ **  
**_But now I think it was your passion snapping._ **

I thought we were going to heal.

Pretend it never happened.

I thought we were going to get past it, together.

_But I was wrong._

Phil barely talks to me anymore.

Every time I leave the flat, he acts weird and gives me a silent hug.

 _Like he's apologizing for something._  
****

I went into town today.

I told Phil I was going to the store and I wouldn't be back for a few hours.

I needed a break.

But it started raining, and it got too cold.

So I went home early.

I walked in with a few things, including a small stuffed lion I bought for Phil. I walked into his room, not thinking to knock.

"Hey, Phil I saw this and it reminded me of yo-"

And I froze.

_Phil had company._

My eyes burned with tears and I dropped the lion on the floor. I turned away and left the room.

"Dan, Dan wait-"

He didn't come.

He didn't chase me.

_His own boyfriend._

He stayed with that man all night.  
****

**_I think you saw me confronting my fear_ **  
**_It went up with the bottle and went down with the beer and.._ **  
**_I think you ought to stay away from here there are ghosts in the walls and they crawl in your head through your ear._ **

I walked to the bar.

I was sobbing as I walked through the doors, soaked and shivering. Earning a worried look from everyone at the front.

I ordered a beer.

And another.

_And another._

They soon kicked me out because I had obviously exceeded the legal limit.

So I stumbled home.

I knew he was still in the room.

I could hear the conversation he was having with that stranger.

"I think you should leave." Phil said quietly.

"Why?"

"I feel horrible for doing this to Dan.."

"When's the last time you slept together?"

".....months."

"I'm helping you. This is okay. Whats love without sex? Nothing. What's a relationship without love? Nothing. You technically aren't even really together."

"But we are.. We-"

"Phil. It's okay."

And their conversation stopped there.

I could hear _everything_.

That man was encouraging Phil's mistake.

His cheating.

I went to the kitchen and took the bottle of whiskey I've had for a while now and started drinking that, too.

I passed out on the living room floor before I could finish it.  
*****

I woke up to Phil sitting on the couch, looking at me worrily, the whiskey still in my hand, so I took a long swig.

I had a major hangover.

I just got up and stumbled to my room.

I finished the whiskey and went to take a shower.

_I cried at the bottom of the tub for an hour._

When I got out, I could hear the conversation again.

_But this was a different voice._

Who was also telling him cheating on me was ok.  
****

One morning, _I woke up in his bed._

He had taken advantage of my drunk, broken state the night before.

He didn't want me to go.

So I didn't.

I thought that was his was of saying he was sorry and now he knew I was the only one he wanted.

But there was another stranger in his bed that same night.  
*****  
This happened every night.

Different voices.

 _All saying the same thing._  
****

One day, I had enough.

Just as another stranger left, Phil sat by me on our couch.

He set his hand on my thigh and kissed my neck.

"No, Phil!" I stood up and pushed him away.

"What's wrong? I thought you loved me.." he was trying to guilt me into sex again.

_Into staying._

"I did. I stopped loving you when you stopped loving me." I said angrily.

"I never stopped loving you!" He screamed and stood up as well.

Tears started to weld up in my eyes.

"Say that to the _forty six_ different men, Phil! Yes, I've been counting how many times you proved how much you didn't love me!"

"I'm sorry!"

"No you aren't! If you were truely sorry you wouldn't have done it the first time! I'm just your toy!"

He stepped forward.

"Don't touch me. I think you ought to stay away from me. You're doing more damage to me than you are good." I said harshly.

I walked to my room and grabbed my stuff.

I packed _everything_ that I came here with.

And _nothing_ that had memories with Phil.

It was hard, there were only a few things in the back of my closet and a few things in drawers he hasn't touched.

Everything made me think of him. Everything smelled like him. _Like us._

I couldn't bring my leather shirt.

My bed sheets.

Most of my clothes.

I took my few belongings..

The whole time Phil was trying to stop me and beg me to stay.

I ignored him.

_And I left._

I got on a bus, and I went to the other side of London.

I left everything I knew and loved.

 _I left Phil._  
*****

**_I think I saw you in my sleep, lover._ **  
**_I think I saw you in my dreams_ **  
**_You were stitching up the seams of every mangled promise that your body couldn't keep._ **  
**_I think I saw you in my sleep._ **

I woke up every morning reaching over to the other side of the bed for Phil... But it was empty. _Cold_.

I'd open my eyes and look around, seeing the dirty motel walls amd the empty space beside me.

And it'd all come back in a flash.

_It wasn't a dream._

_Phil did lie._

_He did break promises._

_Phil really didn't love me anymore._

_I really had left him._  
***

**_I know that one day you'll be sleeping, Darling._ **  
**_Likely dreaming off the pain._ **  
**_I hope you hear me I'm the streetlights humming,_ **  
**_Softly breathing out your name._ **

 

**Third person POV**

Phil was having troubles sleeping.

When he did, he'd dream of Dan.

_"I messed up._

_I messed up so bad."_ Played over and over in his head.

When he did, it would be the first time in a week. He'd sleep for days at a time.

He'd jump up, _sweating and shaking._

He'd look at the empty sheets beside him.

"Dan.. Please come back" he'd curl up in a ball and sob for hours.

_They both stopped making videos._

_They both stopped tweeting._

_Smiling._

_Laughing._

_Wanting to live.._

_They couldnt survive without each other._  
*****

**Dan's POV**

I hadn't left the bed in weeks.

Literally weeks.

I smelled like death and I was starting to lose weight from not eating.

The maid that came in every other day started to worry and she'd bring me meals.

She'd talk to me.

At least I wasn't completely alone....  
****

I started to go on late night walks.

I secretly hoped that Phil would hear me whispering to him under the streetlights.

I secretly hoped it hit him when he least expected it.

How much he hurt me.

How much he broke me.

What he did to me.

What he did to himself.

To us.

 _I secretly hoped he was hurting as much as I was._  
***

I was starting to feel ok again.

Its been months.

I was starting to consider making videos again..

_Then I got a call._

It was from Phil.

I didn't answer. I didn't want him to pressure me into coming back.

 _Voicemail_.

"Dan.." He was crying. No, he was sobbing.

_Desperate._

_On the verge of breaking._

_And it scared me._

"Dan please come home. I miss you so m-much." He choked on his sobs.

I bet he didn't miss me.

He was probably just in bed with someone else..

"I haven't slept with anyone since we talked last."

_Months ago._

_Maybe he was making progress..._

"Please Dan. Please forgive me. I messed up so bad.. Please come home. Im begging you. I love you."

The line went dead.

What would he do if I didn't come home?

The thought scared me.

 _I had to go back._  
****

**_I know that even with the seams stitched tightly, darling.._ **  
**_Scars will remain._ **  
**_I say we scrape them from each other, darling._ **  
**_And let them wash off in the rain.._ **  
**_And when they run into the river, oh no._ **  
**_Let the water not complain._ **

When I got there, he opened the door with bags under his eyes..

_In the same outfit he was in when I left._

_He was shaking._

_Sobbing._

_Exhausted._

_Broken._

We sat on the opposite sides of the couch.

We made small talk.

Then we finally talked about what I've been wanting to talk about since the night we had that first conversation.

"I really don't know why I did it, Dan."

"There has to be a reason."

"Dan... You wouldn't understand."

"Tell me. Or I'll go back to that motel."

"Okay... Okay. Dan, that wasn't consensual."

"You- you mean he-"

"Yes, Dan. He did. I didn't know how to tell you, so I lied. I told you I cheated."

"Phil I-"

"No, Dan. Don't apologize. Because I felt guilty about lying, so I did it for real. I did cheat. Then I couldn't stop. I couldn't ask you because I felt filthy. I hated myself. So I let those men take me. Abuse me. Beat me. I deserved it."

I didn't say anything more about it.

"Well, at least you're ok."

"Yeah." He looked down.

We put on a movie. He made his way over and layed his head on my shoulder. I didn't mind.

But after the movie, he lunged over and kissed me.

He grabbed me.

"No." I said. I pushed him back gently and looked away.

"Phil, I'm sorry. I can't forgive you for what you've done. Not the first time... That wasn't your fault. But all those other times.." I sighed.  
"We aren't together anymore. But we need each other at the same time. So I'm here. But I can't do.. _This_ " I said motioning at what he was trying to do.

"I'm sorry, Phil. Even though I'm here and I don't want to leave again, we can't be together. Too much has happened. You hurt me, Phil. I can't be with you right now.

I can't forgive you today.

Or tomorrow.

Maybe _ever_...

But we can be friends."

He looked hurt.

 _But he also understood._  
*****

We helped each other remove as much damage as possible.

He saw a therapist about his issue, and he was almost completely back to the old Phil within the first few months.

The people around us knew what had gone on, it was no secret.

Some people were on my side.

Some on his.

Some hated me.

Some hated him.

But we never let anyone affect how far we'd come in fixing our mistakes.  
*****

**_I swear that even with the distance, slowly wearing out your name.._ **  
**_Your hands still catch the light the right way and_ **  
**_Our hearts still beat the same._ **  
**_And our hearts still beat the same.._ **

We never did love again.

Not just each other, but anyone.

_We lost our ability to trust._

Phil look my ability.

That man took Phil's.

We always stayed on opposite sides of the sofa and slept in our own beds.

 _Alone_.

I stopped dreaming about Phil.

He stopped dreaming about me.

We saw each other as mutual friends from then on.

But even with the distance between us quietly drowning his name from my heart and his memories from my head,

_I still love him._

_I always will._

Through the rain and clouds, he's still shining bright like the sun.

Our hearts will always long for eachother.

We'll always have flashbacks of each other.

We'll always have nights where we can hear each other sobbing the other boys name through the walls.

We'll always have moments of heart break when we remember how things used to be.

But we can't be together.

_Because it wasn't just a dream._

**Author's Note:**

> I need more ideas for fics plz help >_>


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